Bio & Background
As far back as I can remember I always wanted to understand life and suffer less.
I started going to weekly psychotherapy at the age of 17. Immediately I got obsessive about it. Finally, “I finally found a way to become happier!” I thought I kept going to therapy once or twice weekly for the next 8 years. It helped. But after all that time I was still neurotic, ill-at-ease with others, socially awkward, and totally confused.
After graduating from university with a degree in finance, I moved to Santiago, Chile to start work life. I soon found myself quite miserable, adrift, and not interested in business. So, returned to the United States and in January of 2005, I went back to university to study psychology with the intention to become a psychologist. There was a psychology class by the name of “Meditation, Biofeedback, and Self-Regulation”. I signed up. It was taught by one of the Early Transcendental Meditation adepts, Dr. Edward Taub.
By the end of the first week of class I knew that meditation would be the central focus of my life.
So, since then, I’ve had a daily meditation practice, largely Buddhist. I’ve practiced Zen, Advaita Vedanta self-inquiry, concentration practices, Vipassana/Insight, Tibetan Deity Yoga, open awareness practices, and heart practices like Loving Kindness, Devotional practices, and Tong Len.
However, even after 300 days on meditation retreat and 7,250 hours of formal practice, I still didn’t feel truly settled and at ease. I had access to deep meditative states and classical insights described by the contemplative traditions. But, still there was ennui, a discomfort with life. Something was missing.
In December of 2019, I went to participate for three weeks of the Winter Kyol Che Zen meditation retreat at the Providence Rhode Island Kwan Um Zen Center. It didn’t go well. I was stressed going. I wasn’t sleeping much. Then on retreat things got worse. My mental health really started to deteriorate. I started feeling ‘very weird’. I left the retreat 3 days in. It was the first time I left a retreat.
I had a crisis of faith in meditation. I had done so much of it. But, I still felt so troubled. For the first time in 14 years, I stopped meditating. I felt adrift in life.
Discovering Attachment Theory
On January the 1st of 2020 a friend and fellow meditator, Evan Leed, mentioned attachment theory, and the possibility of repairing early attachment conditioning.
Very quickly I recognized myself in his description of insecure attachment. It explained so much.
So, I started studying attachment theory in January 2020, and doing meditations to repair attachment.
Studying attachment theory, and related practices was my principle vocation during all of 2020.
This made a big difference.
I now actually enjoy connecting with others. In the past I would want to be close with others. But it was mainly because I noticed that I would get miserable when I was alone. But, there was little joy being around others. I was ambivalent and anxious.
Moreover, a much greater ease in life started to develop. In the past, I would mood-alter with trying to always accomplish more and more. Otherwise, I’d get depressed and feel lost. I can still be a workaholic. But the edges are way softer.
Another change has been my ADHD. I have struggled with ADHD my whole life. It was so hard to follow through on tasks. I’d procrastinate on most anything that involved reading or writing. That’s changed. The work I used to put off now gets done.
Another change is that issues that I bring up in therapy get resolved. The old pattern was that I’d work on an issue in therapy and it would not change is a sufficient way to keep me motivated to continue with therapy. This is one of the main reasons I had quit therapy for 10 years. Now, however, problems get worked through. I get it now!
So, that’s my background as I relate with attachment repair.
What is on offer here is meditation coaching. Cedric is not a psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist or counselor.