Client: Can you describe what disturbances in sense of self might look or feel like? For some reason this resonates with me and I believe it may be what I experienced from a very young age.
Cedric: Sure, so disturbances in the sense of self can be multifaceted, for example:
- The sense that I don’t know what I want
- I have no opinions or feel like I only have a vert tentative grasp on my opinions and desires.
One of the primary goals of healing work is to develop the Healthy Adult.
Specifically, developing the Healthy Adult is an important piece of developing earned secure attachment.
The Healthy Adult is confident, balanced, in touch with their emotions, and able to relate well with others. Everyone has a Healthy Adult to varying degrees of development.
The Healthy Adult can be understood as having two major groupings of positive traits:
1. Strength based traits
The strength based traits are comprised of (drawing from Jeffrey Young’s ‘Healthy Adult Mode’, Dan Brown’s ‘Best Self’, and The Third School of Cognitive Therapy’s metacognitive skills):
- Healthy self-definition (knowing who you are and what you are about)
- A well developed sense of agency (internal locus of control)
- Well developed ability to explore
- Healthy self esteem
- Metacognitive skills
- Stress tolerance and emotional self-regulation skills
Can you expect to have relationships with someone who has Secure Attachment when you don’t?
Maybe or maybe not. But surely it’s easier to find a secure partner and even secure friends when you yourself have secure attachment.
But, then, how do you develop earned secure attachment if you don’t have it?
Well, first off, let’s map out what secure attachment looks like in adults.
Then we’ll discuss how you get it.