How Do I Embody Secure Attachment?

You are currently viewing How Do I Embody Secure Attachment?
  • Post author:
  • Post published:November 29, 2022
  • Reading time:2 mins read
  • Healing Modalities:

Can you expect to have relationships with someone who has Secure Attachment when you don’t?

Maybe or maybe not. But surely it’s easier to find a secure partner and even secure friends when you yourself have Secure Attachment.

But then how do you develop Earned Secure Attachment if you don’t have it?

Well first off let’s map out what secure attachment looks like in adults.

Then we’ll discuss how you get it.

Traits of Secure Attachment in adults:

  1. Value connection
  2. Desire to protect others and expectation that loved ones protect you
  3. Ability to attune to others and the expectation of attunement from others (respond and empathize with the emotions of the other)
  4. Ability to physically comfort and soothe and expectation to receive the same (including compassion)
  5. Willingness to support explorations of loved ones and expectation of support from them in return
  6. Delight in the other and the expectation that others delight in you
  7. Getting and giving guidance
  8. Physical and mental entrainment and synchronization with loved ones which creates a sense of belonging
  9. Ability to trust and to be trustworthy yourself
  10. Generosity
  11. Ability to forgive and the expectation of forgiveness
  12. Clear self-definition (knowing who you are and what you are about)
  13. Well developed self-agency: the ability to execute and go after what you want in life
  14. Healthy self-esteem
  15. Emotional self-regulation skills
  16. Resilience (stress tolerance)

(This list draws from the book “Attachment Disturbances in Adults” by Brown & Elliott (2016), Dan Brown’s “best-self” writings, the writings of Mary Main, and those of Allan Schore.)

So, how do we cultivate these qualities?

Likely there are many ways. However at Attachment Repair we use guided visualization meditations where we practice embodying these qualities, seeing ourselves act out these qualities in our daily lives.

This is the focus of the meditation course “Building Up the Healthy Self: Self-Definition, Self-Agency, Self Esteem, and the Ability to Show Up for Others”

Leave a Reply