Can you expect to have relationships with someone who has Secure Attachment when you don’t?
Maybe or maybe not. But surely it’s easier to find a secure partner and even secure friends when you yourself have secure attachment.
But, then, how do you develop earned secure attachment if you don’t have it?
Well, first off, let’s map out what secure attachment looks like in adults.
Then we’ll discuss how you get it.
Traits of Secure Attachment in adults:
- Value connection
- Desire to protect others and expectation that loved ones protect you.
- Ability to attune to others and the expectation of attunement from others (respond and empathize with the emotions of the other)
- Ability to physically comfort and soothe and expectation to receive the same (including compassion)
- Willingness to support of explorations of loved ones and expectation of support from them, in return.
- Delight in the other and the expectation that others delight in you.
- Getting and giving guidance
- Physical and mental entrainment and synchronization with loved ones which creates a sense of belonging
- Ability to trust and being trustworthy yourself
- Ability to forgive and the expectation of forgiveness
- Clear self-definition (knowing who you are and what you are about)
- Well developed self-agency: the ability to execute, to go after what you want in life.
- Healthy self-esteem.
- Emotional self-regulation skills
- Resilience (stress tolerance)
(This list draws from drawing form book “Attachment Disturbances in Adults” by Brown & Elliott (2016) and Dan Brown’s “best-self” writings, and the writings of Mary Main, and writing of Allan Schore)
So, how do we cultivate these qualities?
Likely there are many ways. However at attachmentrepair.com we use guided visualization meditations where we practice embodying these qualities, seeing ourselves act out these qualities in our daily lives.
This will be our focus during the first half of the upcoming meditation course: Developing the Healthy Adult